Power in the Passivity

Thursday, Mar. 05, 2009-11:13 am

We often hear theories about gratuitous violence in the media being a factor in promoting violent behavior. Powerful images leave an imprint, a residue, maybe even a blueprint.

In witnessing violence, the viewer becomes neutral and desensitized to it.
Perhaps it makes the viewer unconsciously gauge their own capacity to commit the same act?

If the viewer has been a victim of abuse, seeing the power of being the perpetrator , not the victim , could seem very attractive on an unconscious level. I guess that is how abuse syndromes are perpetuated in families .
The very thing the victim abhors and vows never to do to anyone, unconsciously becomes a blueprint for behavior.

Then there is verbal abuse.

Where to begin?..... The other day J. said "of COURSE I am a good boss!! You people are just such too incompetent to recognize it".

(I realize that my position there will never be exactly..."exalted"...but a little respect wouldn't kill her!)

Another time she said (in front of everyone) that I don't have the tough blood to be a decent real estate broker and that I should go work at the women's shelter if I want to "sooth people". No, I may not have that "tough blood" that she has. Definitely not if it is stored in the hips and thighs.

I joke about it, but it is not always funny if you are constantly having to filter negative comments. It is like having to translate everything in a language you don't really understand well.

Verbal abuse is more palatable than physical violence, on the surface . Wise-cracking sarcasm and put-downs are considered witty banter on TV shows or comedy performances. Yet for real people, it is insidious . The tenacious, hostile approach of the person who is looking to find faults or only a step away from turning on us in resentment if we dare to disappoint in any way is draining.

Popular thinking , TV shrinks and women's magazines promote the idea of challenging the verbal abuser . Confrontation and the injunction to have one's feelings be heard are promoted.
To me, telling abusers that I don't like whqt they are saying is it is like kicking a hornet's nest.

It is more effective to remind myself that very little of how people act or react toward you actually has anything to do with you, unless someone specifically tells you otherwise. Its not absence of conflict, but how we decide to react to it or internalize those differences that matters. No one event or conversation is a measure of a relationship. It is a continuum.

They say that if you are caught in the ocean in an undertow, you should stay afloat and travel with the current, and do not try to fight it. Save your energy.

As it is with verbal abuse. I don't fight back. I pretend to be apathetic.

"Act positive" I say to myself, "whether you feel like it or not. Take care of your real feelings later on, but not now. NOT during the game. Not during THE GAME! Don't let her affect you."

I have mastered it, like the martial art of Akido , where one does not offer resistance ,uses the attacker's energy against them by moving out of the way and ignoring the antagonism.

There is a fine line between letting yourself be a victim , and rising above the battlefield. For a victim, putting up with ongoing offensive behavior could make it become "normal" after a while, it's signals diluted. A victim who becomes used to tolerating it can actually be sanctioning the offensive behavior.

That is why every single time I hear unjust criticism from "Stepmother J./Boss Lady", I WANT to be taken aback. I WANT it to seem unnatural and offensive EVERY time I hear it.

That is one reason why "Mr. Man" is such an admirable person. I was always impressed by the way that he never has a harsh or critical thing to say about anyone. In this world of sarcastic people, he is an oasis in the desert and some days I am dying of thirst.(I didn't say he was a "mirage". He is an actual oasis in this metaphor.. Let's get our metaphors strait.)

The point is, I never want it to feel neutral for anyone to be mean to me.

If you didn't know me well, or if you were a novice therapist, you may I am exhibiting the most pathetic form of naivete and people-pleasing.

People seek therapy , religion, riches, plastic surgery to find what I already have, that is to be truly content with myself, and observe bad behavior like it was bad theater with bad actors.

If you know me better, you know that there is a lot of inner power in the "passivity".

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