Girlfriend's Holiday

Saturday, Dec. 24, 2011-12:34 pm
Girlfriend's Holiday.

I walked the vast immortal shoreline with the brilliant yellow sun warm on my face, and legs. The shore lay before me like a land of dreams, so various, so beautiful, so new. It was timeless and precious. The rhythm of breaking waves was hypnotic.

There was a myriad of multi colored umbrellas and painted pastel lifeguard stations. I was surrounded by people on the beach , yet the sounds were muted. They were cinematic, as if I were walking past a backdrop of an old film of Miami or Havana .

It was almost Christmas but you would never know it, except for a tired windblown gold bell on each deco styled street light along Ocean Ave. It was always that way when I was here.

I wrote my daughter's name in the sand and took a picture of it for her just before it disappeared like an apparition by the wave. I had done that last year when I was here.

Another 6 hours , maybe 8 until I'd see him. I always said that time did not matter between us.

I leaned back on a bright aqua Adirondack chair on the beachfront park. I stretched my legs outward and pulled my dress up to the top of my thighs. I closed my eyes and tilted my face up . It was a return to an earlier time, when wrinkles and freckles and the threat of skin cancer didn't concern me. It was a time when the sun made me beautiful..

Years later I had constellations of sun-damaged spots that begged to differ. I ignored the truth and enjoyed the sun for a short time.

I extended the same self indulgence to my dietary choices that morning. Coffee with whipped cream, caramel and chocolate ? Peppermint cake pops for breakfast? I deserve it.

Now, looking down at my cake filled thighs , I vowed make it to the hotel gym later on. I hope there is a candy machine there.

I returned to the water's edge and felt the salt water spray on my legs as I walked.

So carefree .
So anonymous
Enjoying my own company .
No demands.
Nobody depending on me.
I want to feel this way forever .

And then it turned on me.

The sun disappeared behind the clouds and re-appeared but closer to the horizon. The wind picked up , the water splashed up onto my clothes, intrusive and cold against my skin.

I checked the time and thought about home. The kids would be getting out of school now. I missed them. I looked at my phone and began to think of the problems I tried to leave behind when I came here.
Right then I felt as if I was on the outside of the world , looking in. I was far from home. I came here to spend time with him but it felt as if I was not truly connected to him. Or maybe I never really was and never would be ?

I realized that I was not alone anymore.
I was just lonely.

I turned to walk back towards the hotel. I passed a man with a collage-aged son tossing a ball. They were smiling, and connected. It was simple and sweet. The sight of them reminded me how much those moments mean to a father. I felt empathetic and purely happy that the man I wanted to be with was not with me right then, but with his family . I felt as magnanimous and as generous as he had been to have paid for my trip.

I could wait. He was worth waiting for.

You can hear the truth . You know what sincerity is . You can sense it from your child or from your partner . You can feel it in your heart.

The worst untruths are the one tell ourselves when we believe the worst about a situation and forget that feeling sad is a snapshot of one moment in time, not representative of the continuum. The biggest disillusionment is the one we impose upon ourselves when we let the moments slip away , when we know we should live each one with as much passion as we can.

It was almost Christmas and I knew it.

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