heartbroken

April 14, 2011-11:56 pm

Monday 4/4/11 11:00 p.m. I always thought I knew enough to never look into the eyes of someone evil.
Now , I am finding out the hard way , that once a man is possessed , the kindest eyes are transformed into something much more deadly.
Your eyes which I used to gaze into for affection and comfort were staring cold, bearing down at me like a laser, demanding details about which I knew nothing.

4/5/11 2:00 a.m..

So now I am alone.
There is comfort in that.
There's no danger.
It's safe.
From cruel intent.

I had no idea how long I had been sitting on the floor in a corner of my room. Hyperventilating anxiety disappeared in the darkness. I was alone looking for comfort within my own thoughts because that was all there was left to rely on.

I wished you could hold me, just one more time . You wouldn't touch me now but I would beg. It might be worth it ,even if all it would serve is to watch your fingertips burn the layers of skin away.

Is it time to let you go?

Is it time to set you free?

Time to stop trying to convince?

I never dreamed that someone else's words would ever matter to you. It was hard to know when to give up, .. Impossible to find words that could make any sense of it to you.

At the end of a long day, where so much has gone wrong, I thought about you and the way you had unleashed every verbal weapon at your disposal.

Yesterday you had been my beautiful man who loved and trusted me, and now all that remained of you was an abstraction. Anger and frustration flowed too easily and turned the conversation into relentless sarcasm and accusations . There were times when the hallucinatory coldness of your words were like a sword drawn and used to impaled . Those words, harsher than a fist would have been, slowly killed any hope ..

Never will your blue eyes look into mine with love.

Never again will I feel your hand on mine.

Never will I feel your bare chest against mine.

Or breathe into the skin on your neck.

Never will I wrap my legs around you before we fall asleep.

4/6/11 9:00 p.m.

Looking back , It all seemed so wonderful , at least on the surface, from the moment we met. I believed in the magic of first impressions and "love at first sight" , when we glanced at one another with pure objectivity. In that instant we saw the truth about each other and knew we would be together nearly 6 years later. Over time it was clear how perfect we were together. I was unprepared for it ever changing .

I thought you wanted true, unmasked closeness , and to be completely open and accepted and loved. That's where the danger set in. Because underneath it all, you were not ready. You were an emotionally vulnerable man who was not ready for that level of intimacy.

THAT is why it was so easy for you to believe the lies.

The problem was not the lies you heard about me; It was that you chose to believe it. It was an unconscious excuse to opt out of the appalling vulnerability and loss of control that being in love with intensity can bring.

Maybe you never really know these things....Until it is too late.

.
one week later... You were hurt. I was hurt. I also felt so sorry for what you were going through. I tried to see your perspective and to recognize that it takes a certain amount of courage to express your feelings when they are so frail.

It's so difficult to understand the perspective of another person completely objectively . Set aside the fiction, strip away your own personal feelings, and you're left with just the person that you're trying to understand. What can I really say? That you're beautiful to me, that I want you, I love you? But is it even possible to do so without making it a self serving monologue and sounding defensive to you, the person in front of me?

If we can't work this out you will be the sad mystery that will keep me awake late at night forever. I can't stop myself from trying constantly to figure it out. I can't stop the fear that I most likely will never be as close to you again.

Mat. 7:24-27
"a wise man built his
House on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the
Winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears this and does not put it into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

The winds came and the rain came and it turns out we had built our emotional base on "sand". I would have sworn it was sturdier than that. .

Days went by and the transparent wall that continued to divide us in half , lifted a bit . The lack of trust in the critical comments was frustrating and painful, but still bearable because I still sensed that you loved me , under the dissipating quiet rage .

Perhaps love is not enough anymore to qualify me unconditionally in your eyes, but love is more than enough to keep my hopes and dreams alive.

In the days that followed, there were beautiful moments when the layers of fear slipped away one by one. There were nights of the hottest make-up sex we ever had. Slowly but surely it felt as if we have returned to what we loved and trusted in each other. The defensive anger and pain fell away and lay crumpled beneath our feet, like flower petals that have fallen off a rose.

The challenge is to pay no attention to them, and to believe that once they're gone there's no need to ever look back. They belong to the universe now. Our universe. The world we create for ourselves with the purest of visions and emotions. The purest emotion right now is hope.. 

(I'll always love you).

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