One year after....

Monday, Mar. 07, 2011-12:37 pm
It�s been almost a year since you left all of us in this world, our hearts are healing in a very slow pace, and at the same time, we wonder why you are gone. Some of us found comfort, peace, and reason, others still have not found an answer and still hold onto a wish to hear your voice and your laugh again. I often look back on things that we would both laugh at and I really wish I could talk to you again just one more time . That is all I could ever ask for�..

I question every day why you are gone. Sometimes, I convince myself that it was for the best � because it is true, given the hopelessness of your illness. You have no idea how much of an impact you have left on people�s lives, including mine. I can say that you made our friends and family even closer, coping with your death.

Life has been treating me well�. I�m sure that would make you happy. Many of us are robbed of our destiny and true happiness, by two "thieves" - regret for the past and fear of the future. Losing your life has made me understand this and live mine better.

For this, I thank you.

We who are left behind, still have our hopes, such as they are,
Invisible before us
Untouched and still possible. I know you would not want me to waste that.

I thought about you in Florida every time I drove past that Holiday Inn we stayed in . I could hear the ocean in the background, relentlessly, wave after wave, like a metronome. Sometimes I'd forget and I'd notice that you are not there , and it would take me aback.

The fig tree survived the transplant and is doing well. Steven carries your picture with him. Suzanne still talks about her trip to Italy that you gave her. The trust is set into motion, and the recipients of your will are grateful.

It is a trivial point but I thought of all those cans of Magic Cup and Ensure,and how Carol and Peter poured them down the drain or threw them out, unopened, by the six-pack, maybe even by the case. They were too painful to even keep in the house once their purpose had passed. There was the deluded belief that they could magically protect you , and increase your determination and strength to go through everything you went through � for months fighting hard .

No matter how hard it is, I try to keep only the positive thoughts of you. On a bad day I keep thinking that ten years from now I will be alive, there will be fruit on the tree, but we will go on without hearing your voice and laugh, and the thought of it kills me. I don�t know how to put it in it's place, and I feel trapped by the finality of it.

We may feel trapped, but still as humans we can find ways to feel free. We are each other�s keepers, even in death. We are the guardians of our own humanity and even though there are basic animal instincts inside all of us, what sets us apart from the animals is that we can think, feel, dream , choose how we will fulfill our needs ,take risks and love. Against all odds, against all instinct, we evolve.

If I had one wish it would be to see you one more time and tell you how much you mean to me. You are my best friend and you brought so much happiness in my life.

Thank you for everything�.We miss you a lot.

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