How To Screw Up An Induction To The National Honor Society

Thursday, May. 28, 2009-9:32 am
My beautiful daughter Nicole was inducted into the National Honor Society tonight. I was bursting with pride and joy. What could possibly go wrong? ....

It was one of those times when the barrier between me and criminality almost collapsed under the weight of my desire to strike Stepmother J. If I had actually acted out my fantasies and assaulted her tonight ,the following would be considered exculpatory prima facia evidence in any court in the land.

I rushed in to the ceremony with seconds to spare, (having taken my son Nicolas back and forth to soccer practice that was inconvieniently occurring at the same time). Stepmother J and my ex husband were already there, sitting in the row behind the inductees. They had saved Nicolas and me a seat , but looking back, I wish they had not...

J was leaning forward, barking at Nicole. I heard that contemptuous voice, in a hoarse whisper , reminiscent of the hiss of a snake:
"No No NO Nicole! For God sake, what's so hard about posture?
If you can learn things from books you can learn to sit like a lady, for once!
Act like you've got class.
Nicole!!! Pay attention!! Sit straight. Straighter! Chin up.
Stop slouching! Knees together! Get that hair out of your face. You're still slouching!
Ankles together and to the right , like your legs are the letter Z. or V?
Whatever. You're so smart ???? You figure it out!!! Nicole !! You're not listening..."

If I were Mahatma Gandhi , or really high on grass, I would have noted intellectually that I appreciated her input, correcting every last error of my daughter's persona and offering every unsolicited new insight.

I'm not even close. Instead I wished she would've dropped dead.

I sat down with my son Nicolas. She turned to me to inform me that he "stinks". (he has just left the soccer field minutes ago and had changed clothes in the car.)

Then the real trouble began.
She whined to me how awful Nicole looks and how irresponsible I was to let her dress like that. Nicole had on black capri pants and a nice T shirt. (On the continuum of elegant outfits in attendance , admittedly Nicole was more on the casual side, but she looked nice.)

As every girl got up and walked to the stage to receive her award, Joanne made a running commentary about the outfit, comparing it negatively to Nicole's.
It was like sitting next to Joan Rivers.

"Look !! Just LOOK at that strapless taffeta dress that the Pagano girl is wearing!! I KNOW her grandfather from the North End ! I am so embarrassed! "

"Oh My GAWD!! The Rizzuto girl has on that gorgeous white pants suit!
And what is your daughter wearing?? huh? huh ?
Look at her. It is embarrassing!! How could you let her dress that way??? "

I make it a point to never respond in any way to one her condescending rhetorical questions.
So I said nothing. That made her even madder.

Ex husband heard it all and said to me "Does ever "shut the f--- up or is that a rhetorical question." "She looks like one of those puffer fish that blows up and turns red when it gets mad." hmmm... that's odd, I don't remember him having much of a sense of humor while we were married...

When it was time for Nicole to get up and her award and then walk past us , it should have been one of the happiest times of my life. But instead I heard a groan of disgust from Joanne . I felt sad for Nicole that Joanne can't see the more important things about this moment than appearance. It was infuriating. She made me cry and I had to get up and get out of there fast so no one would see me.

I pretended to be taking pictures in the back, trying to compose myself.

When we got home, I grabbed a coffee mug and filled it with white wine, and trudged out into the backyard , still in my nice clothes that I had worn to the event. I began to dig holes in the garden, tear out bamboo with my bare hands, toss out huge subterranean rocks , and dig out shrubs and flowers and furiously transplant until it was dark. I was like a person possessed.

I was covered with dirt and gnats, but the garden looks great, and I had gotten the nightmareish evening out of my system. The al fresco mug of wine helped too, I suspect.(even if it had a few grass clippings and a gnat or two in it.


Salute!

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