Florida : The Hook Up

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2010-9:34 am
I took a walk , as I do every day in Florida , along A -1A , which runs right next to the ocean in Boca Raton. You see a lot of people walking that route daily, and you customarily nod and smile or say a perfunctory 'hello'. (You also see far too may dogs wearing bandanas, but that is another topic.) I was approached by an inexplicably confident older man.

He did not look at me with the polite nod that is exchanged between fellow anonymous walkers. He looked at me the way an animal does to establish dominance. I will give him the benefit of the doubt ; he is a probably very nice person, but at first glace, he was no treat. He didn't look like a silver haired sex symbol like Paul Newman. He did not even look like the old rumpled NBC anchor Edwin Newman. He bore more of a resemblance to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Newman. He looked like a few crocodile genes had glommed onto his double helix.

He didn't just say "hi" politely and continue on his way. He stopped me and directly tried to engaged me in conversation. He asked if I was single and where were "those kids" he always sees me with. (Had he been seeing us walk by for a few days and now saw his chance to make a move?? )

Perhaps to celebrate the joy of the upcoming spring, he wore an azalea coral rayon shirt with a wide band of green around the collar. The first 3 buttons were open, to reveal chest hair and a huge gold chain. He must have seen my eyes go to it. He confided: " 18 carat" in a tone that allowed only HALF the people on the block to hear him. "oh, nice." I said weakly,

as I wondered what exactly it is that makes some men think, before barging over to me, "YES! The dark-haired one! SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST MY DEBONAIRE WAYS!!"

I guess that is the upside of this; That hope springs eternal.

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively asked if I wanted to go out one night and "hook up " with him!

GOOD LORD! Have manners and deferred pleasure been all but eradicated from modern society? Is reticence extinct?

I said "no thanks."

(I thought: "hey stallion, Don't you EVER use the term "hook up" again.
I don't know where you heard the word used, but , trust me, you should remove it from your lexicon. You are neither hip nor cool enough to pull it off.")

He said "O.K. then how about a drink tonight at Boca del Vista? Happy hour starts at 5 and it is 2-for-1 night." I said "no thanks , I don't drink" (big fat white lie)

He said:
" Come on, Loosen up. What are you saving it for ?"

("IT"?? I wondered what was "it" he was referring to....Did he think that if I didn't go out with him, I'd run the risk of ending up as one of those osteoporotic women at her 50th reunion, still waiting for that"Certain Someone" to notice her, except "Certain Someone" never showed because he dropped dead years before)

"How about if we just go for a walk and get an ice cream and see what happens?"
I said: " I'm lactose intolerant."(more lies)
He said :
"O.K. let's go get a cheeseburger"?
I said :"vegetarian!" (lies , lies, lies)


He said:
"hey, Come ON. You've got to eat something. Look how skinny you are.

(why did he think he would be sweeping me off my feet with the promise to feed me? Maybe reminiscent of how attractive Cro-Magnon man was to the ladies when he brought home a winter's supply of yak...)

How did you get that flat stomach . Liposuction? "

(I thought : "No problem asking me personal questions that are none of your business, but"...I actually only said )..."no, I didn't have liposuction." That was the first thing I had said that was not duplicitous.

He said :
" Oy! Did you really have those kids, or did you have an embryo transplant or something?" (Wink wink).

Just the thought of him pondering the status of my reproductive organs was as revolting as the presumption that I would go out with him.

I said "I have to go" .


He said:
"No wait honey, I'm not through with you yet. Let's just walk together and talk. I have to walk on the sand, though because of my fallen arches and bunions."

I said:
"Is that your best and final offer?"

I walked off , not having collapsed under the weight of my desires for his company. I felt the warm wind and the sun on my face, happy to have escaped the conversation. The only good thing about a man of his age is that he probably didn't notice my crows feet, which magnified by the early moring sun, looked like pterodactyl tracks."

. I would never need to wonder about unknown rap sheets of previous restraining orders against him, or his charter membership to "rage-a-holics Anonymous" , or "Failure to appear" notices that he had been served with.

I suppose it is nice to know that hope (and chutzpah) spring eternal in the retirement communities of Florida..



."

(Later when told Stepmother "J." about this, she said "You should have found out if he had money before you walked off".Oy!!

go to the prior entry * +