Florida : Same time next year?

Feb. 20 2009-4:13 am

It was year two.

Jay and I had enjoyed every minute of our second annual "tandem vacation" in Florida. We were staying a half a mile from each other. We saw each other every night.

We met secretly, after my kids and parents had gone to bed and he had extricated himself from his "entourage".

We were out, sitting together at an outside bar on a perfect warm night. We sat and talked , enjoying the warm night air and looking out at the ocean. His fingers rested on my knee and moved up to my upper thigh while we had a drink. After all this time, it still had the same profound effect as the first time he did that 2 years ago.

Most people don't bother to savor the subtlety of the graze of a hand. We have elevated it to an art form.

He mentioned that we should come back to this place "next year".

The thought occurred to me that we were making plans for "next year". It sounded like the most logical thing in the world to discuss. We never questioned that we would be seeing each other next year. It was so easily assumed.

Whatever this IS between us, or whatever it IS NOT, it defies conventional descriptions and doesn't fit neatly into a "relationship category". Yet it is the best thing that ever happened to me.

One day you realize that you are past 50 now and the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed about when you were 20. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important because you provide your own housing. "Happy ever after", turned out to be a little tricky. Just that its happy right now is good. Once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

{Composer DeBussey said that when one puts a title or a label on a work of music it diminishes it. He said that to force a label on something is to remove 75% of the pleasure of experiencing it. In putting a descriptive name to music, the subjective imagination is compromised. Part of the beauty of music is interpretation.}

I liked that concept, and thought about how it was germane to us.

Our relationship, like DeBussey's music, need not be analyzed or named . We do not need to have the "talk". Sonnets need not be written. Hallmark cards will not be inspired by what we say to each other. What we have between us doesn't have to be dissected . I never wonder "where is it going?" because I am enjoying it so much exactly where it is right now.

That attitude is not born out of apathy, or grim resignation. It is out of the simplicity of acceptance.

There is an incredible freedom and peace in that . That removes the conditions for vulnerability, and fear of being disappointed. There is no need to fill up the other's private space of thoughts, or to insist on continuous attention or intimacy.

I never expect him to give me something he does not have to give, (such as long stretches of unstructured free time spent together with no accountability or interruptions) The crux of satisfaction is really about managing your expectations. I never worry about being disappointed because I manage my expectations.

A Lesson In Reticence

That theory was put to the acid test just before we left on the "tandem vacation". It could have gone either way.... Jay flew down there a few days before me. We were supposed to have a lot of time together. He called me from Florida (the night before I left )and said that he had just found out that he would "not be there alone" as we had originally planned. Family decided to join him for part of the week. He had been taken by complete surprise by that bit of news . There was nothing much he could have done about it, realistically.

I was so taken aback, my head was spinning, and I can't remember what I said, other than ..."huh???...uh...but...um...oh my God......". He thought the phone had gone dead. It hadn't, but I think I "went dead"...

I wanted to say " By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... No. Not funny! NO! NO!! NO!!!!"

'Two roads diverged in a wood And I took the one less traveled by And that has made all the difference'

Robert Frost ROAD LESS TRAVELED

I had to made a quick decision :

To inform him of my disappointment, act like a child, deliver my every unsolicited thought about this, and risk harmony

Or to deal with it and not allow the disappointment to eclipse everything else.

I made a choice to give the guy a break and not demand that he provide me with something that he simply did not possess: 10 days of continuous on-demand time to spend with me alone, day or night.

It was uncomfortable, but we got past it , without the need for a lot of unpleasant discussion.

We ended up having a wonderful time, enjoying the time we actually had together, rather than the amount of time we had originally planned on.

That alone would be enough.

In looking at the broader picture, and knowing that we have all the time in the world,

(just maybe not during that week),

we established a greater trust and a comfort level. Therein exists the conditions for extraordinary relationships..

Same time next year? Yes, I'm sure of it.

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