Jounalism at it's finest? (-:

Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003-4:02 am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jounalism at it's finest?

I take my writing seriously. Some times I'd rather write fiction than actually talk to people.

The art of sparkling conversation is becoming obsolete. The meaning of a real conversation implies some reciprocity.

I am an ameteur COLUMNIST folks! Where is the fun in "reciprocity" for ME? How is THAT going to fill these pages? Therefore, "Conversation" that I may engage in is really a deceptively self-serving solo activity, and an oportunity to collect data for my column, for which I make no apologies.

(We all know that this world is far better off for the existence of this column!)

Anecdotes from most people's lives life are simply too dull to even consider, unless that person happens to be exceedingly insane or a true celebrity. No one cares what you had for dinner last night, unless it was something bizarre like a a horsemeat sandwich with Grey Poupon. (and even then, it better have been served at a new chic bistro that you had to wait an hour for your table) Hey, let's be frank...If I were really interested in you, I would be a journalist ...or Dr. Laura for God's sake.

As an example....If you tell me you are ......

An addict?

Homeless?

Sick?

Dumped?

Deeply Depressed?

Lost your job?

Divorced?

Falsely imprisoned?

Bankrupt?

Stalked by your Satanic "ex"?

Then I say, for the love of God, SHUT UP!!!!

About 90% of any conversation that I would call clever entertaining banter is really a blend of exaggerated truths and of barely believable fiction.It becomes even more interesting if it is about me.

The only thing more boring than hearing about the average person's day is watching bowling on a black and white tv with the sound turned off.

Don't go getting indignant. You know it is true. Don't be self-righteous. I'm just admitting one of the truths we all know to be self-evident. We all secretly have a very low tolerance for the mundane (read: anything that is not about ourselves or about someone else's steamy sex life.)

I can't tell you how many stories I've endured that have involved bitchy mothers-in-law, internet startup business plans-gone -bad, or a recent night's airing of one of those innane shows like "Batchelorette" or "Survivor of the Pinheads".

You've been there too. Am I right? You've really wanted to walk away. But common manners dictated that you stay and listen.

It always goes like this:

"You're NOT going to believe this!" (Your interest is piqued)

"On my way here I stopped by a..."

( A Whorehouse?)

"...convenience store to buy some..."

( porn?) (street drugs?) (black market babies?)

"...cough drops. And the clerk rings me up and all of a sudden..."

(The store clerk pulled a knife?) (Elvis walked in?) (You saw the Comet in the sky looming towards earth?)

"...I realize he's overcharged me by almost a dollar. So I..."

(asked him if he wants to have perverted sex with me?)

"...stormed right out of there!"

Okay.

These are the times of our lives that we all have had to endure, that eat up valuable time that we wish we could have back.

Look, I'm sure that your college friends really were walking that fine line between zany and just plain MADCAP , but the rest of us weren't there and, believe me, we had to be there. PLEASE Keep it to yourself.

Any commentary more than two minutes long should be shortened with either yada-yada or blah-blah-blah.

If your story involves quoting something someone said in a whiny or annoying manner, just say whatever they said and then say "said in whiny, annoying manner." Do NOT emulate the whiny voice. Once was enough. I will get it.

(Forget all of these rules if your story includes how you slept with some famous person, or if you reached the top in your career by catching your boss snorting coke off his desk blotter and/or photographed yourself being fondled in a conference room. Then please !!!Fire Away. But first let me get my pen and paper...) (HA!)

go to the prior entry * +