Chemistry Lesson

Post- Florida , February 09-3:05 am

It is 2 a.m. and "Jay" has just left, after another wonderful evening here at my house....

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It's wonderful to have such a great connection with someone .

There are a million and one ways in which we humans interact with others. We live in an endless number of social networks. We learn from each other, we interact with each other, we reap benefits from each other.

"Chemistry" is an overused word, but it does have it's place in the vernacular of describing romantic relationships. In almost all my past relationships, words to describe things might be "enjoyable but guarded". There was always some part of my psyche that I withheld. Even if it was a basically "good" relationship, it was lacking some of that "chemistry" .

Even when first met my ex husband,and things were good, there was some missing element, impossible to articulate , but the void was there, sometimes, hanging in the air between us during a conversation, or interraction. I had to be cautious of what said and how I said it for fear he would take it the wrong wayand get annoyed. There would be an odd moment of silence that, while not totally uncomfortable, felt distant and empty. In those instances, I would begin to feel a need to have some space. (I should have known in my heart that we were not 100% right for each other.)

And before that moment continued for too long, one of us would change the subject, or make a phone call or get up and turn on the T.V. Or one of us would leave. It was a game of avoidance that was needed.

Looking back,it descended into a verbally abusive relationship. It was devestating to go through the break up but I am glad that it ended , when it became obvious that there was no reason to hang on to an antagonistic relationship , watching it get even worse.

Paavlov had a famous concept....An animal or person will continue to salivate/push the food lever/...long past the point where the return is forthcoming. It is a conditioned response from the past.

In an animal it is a survival tool , to recall the source of food..

I see that concept as a metaphor for compatible partners . There are those times when, despite evidence to the contrary, we continue to put energy into a toxic relationship . We want it to be O.K. and that desire can take you to lovely tranquil places sometimes. Other times it can bring you abuse.

People have an anthropologically-based need to feel the consistency of a pack, or a family, and the love and comfort that can bring. Comfort is sometimes all but an illusion, but the Paavlovian response to pursue it continues.

Over time, after the divorce, we eventually got along better . Resentment is not what you should inflict on someone you once cared about, especially if you have children.

I believe we pay a personal price every time we cause damage to someone else. Even if they do not deserve our graciousness, it is in our best interest to rise above it. Some call it "Karma".(another over used word) We lose a bit of self -trust and self-respect when we don't treat others with respect, even if that person is the one you divorced....for very good reasons.

Fighting parents lower the standards and show children to expect to be treated the same way by a future partner. You can amplify the child's loss of confidence, and his or her mistrust of the opposite sex for the future by clinging onto pride and outdated hostility.

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Time really does heal old wounds. I had come to terms with the past. I was free of all the negative backlash of being in an extremely verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

I could be capable of being in a relationship again, but it just had not happened. I was not going out of my way to find a new man . I didn't care.

If it came to it, I would take my chances that I'd wake up one day with 20 years worth of crow's feet and a liver spots , with the kids away at college, and suddenly long for my more alluring days...

I was not one of those tired, depressed, financially destitute single mothers who is searching for a "fiscal packmule" to insnare, and try to get him to bear part of my burdons .

(When the words : "Yes, I'd love to go out with you" really means "I have severe personal problems,and you look like you can help".)

I originally only meant to go out for an occasional drink and have some fun conversation, and then put up a wall of detatchment.

I didn't mean to get so caught up in it. I never ment to notice how wonderful and refreshing it was to find a man who does not whine endlessly about the way his parents treated him as a child. I would have to be totally deaf to not admire the way he always finds something charitable to say about everyone. He may say , "what is so special about those things? Wouldn't anybody?" No. Not every one does. He does, and that is what makes him such a nice person.

He tells me all the time that I am beautiful. When HE says it, I feel like THE most beautiful woman in the room, in the whole city, in the entire world...the universe.... ( OK, you get it.)

I didn't really intend to care this much for any one person who could seriously... I mean SERIOUSLY...

( Not just in a " too- bad- it- didn't- work- out" sort of way.)........

I am talking SERIOUSLY destroy my peace of mind if I was only a passing , frivolous , dispensable , relationship to him. .. I never give that fear a second thought.

I'm just going on that "good chemistry".

go to the prior entry * +