The Office

January 2009-5:02 am

Thomas Grey said "ignorance is bliss"

Ignorance is not what I consider "bliss", but it is better than the slow suffocation of listening to every encyclopedic detail of the spirited exploits of the people in my office. The office and it's wild hedonistic women are a constant source of comedy .

Maria, Marcia and Stacy are the tramp "trifecta". Normally, co-workers' day-to-day life stories are simply so dull that no one pays attention unless you happen to work with people that are exceedingly twisted or uncharacteristically wild. In most workplaces even marginally interesting statements remain largely unacknowledged.

Not the case at MY office. It is impossible to ignore what one hears. (It is like when you know the milk is past it's date and you should just discard it, but you just have the compulsion to smell it anyway.)

I never had the grandiosity to dream up the life that these girls are living.It makes me look like Mary Poppins or Gidget

I used to think that perversion was using the same size glass for white and red wine. That was before I came to work here and learned a thing or two.. They are always two of them gathered, two inches from my head, polluting my brain with inane ramblings while buzzing through fat free chips and sugar-free cookies (and whatever I brought with me for lunch) like a pack of compulsive gophers.

It was Marcia's first day back to "work" after the second tummy tuck, that cost her 11 grand. It is widely acknowledged in society that appearance is a very potent currency. Marcia takes this totally seriously.

Marcia had just spent hundreds of dollars on a full lip tattoo that completely covered the surface of her lips. Afterwards she said " Oh, I just love my new lipstick! It's called "Barely Strawberry Glossimer a-Go-Go". It looks so-o-o Au`naturale over my lip tattoo". For my money I would have gone with the "Glossimer a-go-go" by itself.

She has botox and restalyne injected monthly, and has individually applied fake lashes glued on every two weeks.

Once when we were talking about her sex life, and she bragged that she does not need birth control since she is menopausal. Stacy asked her if she and her boyriend use condoms. She said "no , I like it to be 'natural'. "

The legacy of Imelda Marcos and Cher dominated the collective thought in the office today. Not only was Marcy back from her latest plastic surgery, but It was also the first day of work for Jose` (pronounced "Jo-zay" ) , Marcia's gay friend. Having just met me, he hugged me and imparted twin kisses on each cheek.

They talked (in high pitched squeals of delight) about nothing except; Plastic surgery, Stunning revelations of gossip , Bikini waxing, Clothes Then the discussion took an exciting turn. They talked for 30 minutes about who was hungry/what to have for lunch/how fattening it is /diets/ a hatred of exercise/ the inevitable weigh gain... which brought us full circle, back to ...plastic surgery, gossip, waxing and clothes.

ahh....the cycle of life!

The time , at this point, was 11:30 a.m.

It is lunch hour here at Anzalone Realty. Marica is here in the office with me. She said "I'm in the mood for something.... (In the most pathetic form of naivete. I thought she meant food.) She said" I'd love a percoset and a French martini and maybe a few lines of coke to wash it down. Wheee!!!"

I said "And here I thought you were going to say you wanted a sandwich." She said "after a few lines of cokethe only kind of sandwich I want is a "man-sandwich" with me in the middle". To which she stood up and gyrated her hips and made the suggestive -but- unmistakable - universally- understood hand gesture implying having a certain something in each hand. The subtlety of it was not lost on me.

What a fun place to work.but then again ...so is tying your shoes if you are drunk enough.

How does it happen that smart women have nothing to talk about but clothes ,plastic surgeons, make up and boyfriends ? It's like a seventh grade mentality but with bank accounts. .

It is not as if I want to sit and talk about The Theory of Spectra and Atomic Constitution. I just want some normal intelligent conversation. Intellectual stimulation has been in rather short supply.

I am OK with talking about anything except elucidating the details of Brazilian wax appointments, the amount and shape or design of the hair remaining,( if any ), the position they assume during the procedure, how much regrowth there is between wax jobs...

Way too much information !

Marcia says that she read in a magazine somewhere that it is tax deductible. I questioned that one and asked "what magazine was that?? 'CONVIENENT THEORIES FOR YOU MONTHLY'?". She joked that since sex is used for business entertainment or to promote sales,waxing is a business expense..

What would E.F. Hutton have to say about THAT?

Maria was an hour late that day. I said " Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in."

Maria laughed and said " Don't make me laugh. I'm so-o-o hung over. My head is spinning and not in the good way!"

The boss said "do you recall signing something stating that you are responsible to show up for your shift on time or get a substitute? " Maria said "Du-u-de. I don't know what I signed. I'm sorry. I'm late ,Very late. Are we cool ?"

Maria then made up an excuse about the reason for being late was that she didn't bring her schedule to the beach. I privately said to her ; "liar liar pants on fire". She said "my pants ARE on fire. That's why I'm late".

The next time she was late she came in to work with sand in the back of her hair and a bathing suit with a sheer cover up over it and sandals. She claimed that she was at the beach but fell asleep and dreamed that she was already at work. She was due in at 1 and showed up at 2:15.

She said it took her a while to wake up from that dream and by the time she realized her mistake , it was already 1:45.

I seldom mistake lying in sand for a lying on a hardwood floor , but maybe I just don't have the imagination that she has.

The Gruff-but-Love-able Marilyn .

Marilyn is only exception to the rule of vanity and sexual excess... The reality was, the only thing that 'went down' with any regularity in Marilyn's private life was her American Express card when she went for her weekly hair do.

Her hair , done every Thursday , by her hairdresser who had clearly been granted the gift of eternal life, is a monsoon-proof structure. Not quite Nashville 2002. More like Manhattan 1962. Sprayed until it could be sprayed no more.

She tires of listening to the consatnt sex talk in the office. She once said " Ok I get it. You've all seen your share of dick. Do we have to keep talking about it, for Chrissakes !" .)

"The Boss" a.k.a. "J."

J sits in her office scowling , in a chair that is a cross between a wing chair and a throne that would be pleasing to any upscale 18th century Edwardian. Though technically "family". I was NOT exactly in line for the Agency's "dictatorship".

It was one of those days when the barrier between me and criminality almost collapsed under the weight of my desire to strike her. ( It seems the micro manager does not think that I am talented enough to change a toner cartridge, and voiced her concern : "Do you even KNOW what you're doing??? You probably screwed it all up " ) Confrontation seems to refresh her. I have carpral tunnel from giving her the finger behind her back.

My Job

Occasionally when people I know walk into the office for the first time , I tell them that this is my fiefdom for as far as the eye can see. Some fiefdom! This year so far I have pulled in an average of about $.60 per day.

Jealous? Well, if I pass you in the street, I'll be sure to have my driver pull over and let you in so that we can enjoy some caviar together and then wash it down with a fluted glass of champagne toast to my good fortune.

Is it possible I have no professional ambition to be a better sales person? I've got a whole summer's worth of excuses for why I have only mad $2400 in commission over the past 3 months. Would you like to hear them all? Each and every one? It's hard to know where to begin. Or where to stop, for that matter. Some are fun excuses like "I'm a bessotted fool and can't concentrate for 3 days after my Friday night date" or "I get distracted 3 days before my Friday night date and I start acting like a bessotted fool".

Others are less fun, like "The economy is heinious."

Maybe some day when we have a-a-a-all night and we don't feel like playing Scrabble or watching for the comet out the window, we can gather round the fire and I'll elaborate on my summer's worth of excuses.

It sounds more intricate than the chain of command for the Axis powers in 1943!

The Office On SEX

Maria and Marcia spend too much time discussing which sexual positions they look best doing. "For my money, it's all about the arch. I don't care which angle of approach you are using, a good body arch is more flattering than losing ten pounds."

I advised Maria that you should be genuine friends with a man first. You should not try to manufacture a pseudo-closeness with sex. It takes a lot more time to get to know someone than it takes to get sexually aroused. If you wait and find out if this is someone that you can really talk to, that is what good sex is, not dropping you pants at the slightest provocation,".

Maria said "OK honey I 'm gonna stop you right there. First of all what the fuck does 'provocation' mean? Cause if it means what I think it means then I don't have the slightest idea of what you are saying. Secondly ; why would I want to talk to him? He's 27. " yowza!

..." And, I can now see why you never find anyone to hook up, not with that attitude"

Marcy is content seeing "Mr Tuesday" , her once a week date. She said "after all these years of th wrong men, fate is finally throwing me a bone. I said "sounds more like a boner to me." She asked him on the phone "Do you want to go out to eat first or should we just get right to it"?

She told me that she " hit fifty today in ten holes"...(I hoped to God that she is talking about golf !)

Appearance is a big topic in my office.

One day when Maria came in 2 hours late with the same clothes on as yesterday, and said "Oh I am SO Sorry I'm late... Oh, God,lemme put that another way.. that sounded so insincere: "I'm late.Deal with it."

I told her she should not drink so much every night. She said "Honey, you say potato, I say vodka!"

Maria was telling anyone who would listen about her trip to Canobe Lake park .. with her young boyfriend She said "We had the best time. My favorite thing to do is going down on the roller coaster " ( that had dual meaning )

There is a running commentary about fake eyelashes, eyeliner tattoos , skin creams, breast implants, liposuction, illegal drugs, the clothes that OUGHT to be outlawed that they insist on wearing. A lot of time is spent talking about the merits of thongs v.s. no panties.

Marcia wore inside -out stretch pants with the cotton crotch panel on the outside..I asked if that look was on purpose.

She explained that her back was hurting and when she noticed they were on inside out, she didn't feel like putting them back on the right way.

I thought... , "How did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste?"

Marcia sat in her office chair, and turned it out facing the room. She had each leg slung over the arms of the chair as she stretched her inner thighs. That can only mean one of two things; Either "Mr. Tuesday " is showing up on Wednesday, and she is warming up and stretching out. Or it is post-Tuesday muscular strain. I think the policy of "Don't ask. Don't tell" is most prudent in this case.

Maria had a customer ask her jokingly for a "Sharon Stone". The joke turned into reality. She wore acrylic white 3' high heels, and a short white skirt ,like what a porn star nurse would wear.

He walked past her as she crossed and uncrossed her legs. She closed the deal. ....

She goes to the tanning booth. I told her, for God's sake, stay out of that tanning booth! You're starting to look like a cheesedoodle! ....

The only thing I've ever seen successfully made in Marcia's kitchen is a mess. And several small fires

She took something she found in the rug, that was white and may have been a percocet, but who knew?

Marcia had a painkiller that someone else gave her. I said " Is it safe to get pills from strangers' prescriptions?". They're not strangers, they're our new friends with subscriptions for pills!

The office on DATING

These women go out almost every night , and have their fair share of dates. Far from needing to be seduced, they are the aggressors. When the dates realize that they are expected to get erections on demand, it must be somewhat intimidating unless you are 25. They prefer younger guys but that would be enough to make any man over 30 cry.

They were planning where to go that night after work for drinks, and as soon as they decided on a place, Marcia said to Maria "Okay, but this time , honey, you put YOUR boobs up to the glass!"

Maria says she is bored with the man who is calling her to go out once a week. She said "if I like a guy, I want him to be all over my ass all the time"....(PLease dear GOD don't let her be speaking literally!) Once when I went out with them , I asked if anyone wanted red or white wine. Maria said "Honey I'd suck the alcohol out of an antiseptic wipe. I don't CARE what color wine it is !!

She drinks too much , but says that she eats a meal when she drinks. I am sure she is enjoying a dinner of cocktail olives and lime wedges right now.

She said that her hair is flat, and she never has a good date when her hair is flat. Without irony, she that "it HAS BEEN a great date if her hair is flat the next morningr".

Maria told a man that she used to dream about what her second husband would be like, and he "comes pretty close"

An excerp from a real conversation: Marcia: "So, Maria, how's it going with the dee-vorce from "Butthead?" ."Do we know what we're getting yet?" Maria: "Well, we'll find out after the hearing, but I'm not worried. I have a good lawyer and I am doing him, which is the ultimate motivator." " All we have to do is show that bastard verbally abused me, drank all the time, and is seeing my former best friend, SLUT!!!BITCH!!!- which the filthy pig did . BASTARD!!!- but no hard feelings - May he rot in HELL - I still love him to pieces - The Son of a Bitch. And I get half of everything. " Marcia:"Good honey. But didn't you get caught with a few men over the years? Will that come up at the hearing as well? Maria : "Don't question me."

Maria asked me what to I do about chapped nipples. I said "I never have chapped nipples", and I suggested that she put corn plastesr on them. She said "honey , ..how can I explain this to you...Uh, corns and sex don't mix...duhhh".

I thought I heard Maria having phone sex in the office. All I heard was "No! Don't Stop! Don't! To the right! Right there. Oh Yeah, honey. Now Pinch it!" When I questioned her , she said she was giving instructions to the guy she hired to plant flowers in the window boxes at her house...

I said "Can you get the phone?" She said "Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to."

"The Pants Tent" I was on the phone today setting up my appointments. My client arrived early. Marcia was talking to him while he waited for me . (40- something attractive guy) They sat across from each other.

She was very flirtatious with him, crossing and uncrossing her legs , applying lip gloss and like she was Marilyn Monroe. She had a boyfriend that she sees only on Tuesdays, but since it was mid week, she was a free agent. (In her presence , I felt about as seductive as Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island.) She excused herself from fawning over him and made a phone call. Right then, as she walked to the phone, the main office phone rang and Marcia said to me: "Can you get that honey? I'm on the phone".

I answered the call and to my surprise, it was Marcia, discreetly calling me from the next desk. She whispered to m

e that the guy is attracted to her and ever since he sat down and started to talk to her, he has had a huge erection. Apparently, in her mind, that is the highest compliment any man can pay! (Second only to : "You have the best underwear I've ever seen, of all the sexual partners I've had during my promiscuity spree", which is what a man said to her , loosely quoted.) I told her I thought that was crazy and asked her if she was sure it was an erection. She said "You are no expert. When is the last time you actually saw one? " I couldn't be indiscreet and tell her why I have more than a passing acquaintanceship with a 'certain man's body' lately. Despite that fact, I still would not be able to compete with Marcia's vast compendium of erectile knowledge . Be they partial or full, Marcia knows an erection when she sees one. The woman is like a veritable truffle hound when it comes to that.

She told me to take my time getting read for the appointment. We hung up and tried not to laugh. I went to the closet to get some keys and discreetly looked over at the guy's lap. It looked more like a "pants bunch-up" to me. Despite Marcia's undeniable charms, it looked like the only thing that was protruding was the zipper and the corduroy fabric that was creating a "pants tent" when he sat down. I sent her an e mail and told her my "pants tent / bunch-up theory". She wrote back and said "It is a 'pants tent' , but there is a huge erection under there holding it up!". I wrote back and said that his name is "Hugh G. Rection". We tried to suppress laughing.

At this point I didn't even want to go out of the office with this guy, just in case But I knew that in this market, I am not in a position to turn away clients, even if they have suspicious looking pants. (I went to college for this?)

{All of a sudden, the crazy idea of being a belly dancer in the Morrocan bar in Charlestown that Jay and I had gone, didn't seem like such a poor vocational choice . If I hid my face with a scarf, I'd minimize shaming the family and the tips must be great. I can't verify this in the 'help wanted' section, but I am guessing that there are very few opportunities out there for 50+ year old belly dancers---- no matter how talented they are. PLUS the fact that my name isn't Fanc-cee or Candi or Sassy or some derivative thereof, make my chances more slim.}

We'll follow up on Marcia's social life . If Mr. "Hugh G. Rection" plays his cards right , Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and the weekend time slots are still available.

Marcia thinks babies are something you have removed. We were talking about how unusual it was that I actually got pregnant twice within 11 months at 39, and how hard it is to get pregnasnt after 35. She said "If it's so hard to get pregnant, how do you account for the number of crying children on planes?"

When Marilyn said 'MARIA IS A SLUT' (pronounced "Sahl-lut" in two syllables)I SAID 'Oh well,she is a free spirit, or maybe it's just a phase'.

Marilyn:' Puberty is a phase. Fifteen years of being a slut is a lifestyle'.

"She has seen more hotel pillows than a thin mint."

She went out on a date in a sweater to tight it was about to explode. Her new "teardrop shaped " implants were bursting out like over ripe tomotoes stuffed with goat cheese. He walked her home and she asked him in for a few minutes. They sat on the couch and kissed. That couch has seen so much action, that it probably wants to crawl outside in search of an ovum. He assured her, "nothing's going to happen. Besides, I have a rule about this sort of thing - no sex until I get to know someone a little bit. So don't worry, I won't be hitting on you to be having sex tonight"

What a relief. she smiled. He smiled. Then he leaned back on the coach, tucked his hands behind his head and said� "So, uh, Would you give head?" She said "oh yes!" (I would have left the building immediately if a first date ever asked that last question, but that's just me.)

She arrived one hour late for work with wet hair. She said , Wanna see my "Tubby pictures"? . Could that mean former fat pictures? One could only hope. Actually they were cell phone pictures taken of each other in the bathtub, taken an hour earlier.I said :I thought you broke up with him again?" She said "Yes I did, but I saw him and he looked so yummy. SO we went to my house and took a bath. I don't dry my own hair. I have it done every other day at the beauty shop on Salem Street. So that is why my hair is wet." I looked at the "tubby pictures".

I also was shown two pictures of erect penises , belonging to 2 different men. It was my lucky day for sure.One of them had a little "English" to it. Maybe that was how she could tell them apart. That one was of her bathtub buddy. It looked like the loch ness monster emerging from the brine.

One of them belonged to a man named "J.D." who claims to be an orthopedic surgeon. He sent it to her to entice her to sleep with him. The message text said " see what you are missing, baby."

She said that he won't leave her alone. He keeps sending text messages. I advised her to just ignore him. She said "Oh Honey, he is not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby".

Maria had a mini bottle of wine at her desk and it was 3 p.m. I asked if she was under some sort of stress. She said "Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my ex husband pays my bills, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!"

She said she had gone out "Hussy-ing it up". She found a sponsor at the bar that took her to a table for dinner. The evening ended with a hand job performed under the table at the elegant restaurant , with butter.

I said "Maria you really should keep that story secret. And by the way you shouldn't be drinking at the office." "Yeah? well, Now my drink's talking, and it's saying 'Drink me! I make life more fun! Everyone from a high school kid to a bum on the street knows that.Du-u-uh!!"

She wore a Naughty Santa suit and went to Michael's house at 2 am on Christmas day. He was not there.

He showed up inside her house at 4 a.m. , having let himself in with her hidden key, eating a canolli, dropping crumbs everywhere. He got into bed with her. He said he was cold and he neded someone to cuddle with. She said "where the f--- were you at 2 ? " He said "Maria, that's in the past now." She said "oK".

Maria brought fruit one day SHe said "is this some kind of pair?" (pear)

she had on a get-up so tight that each buttock was highlighted , as if they were separate trophies.

Her tattoo and thong peeked out of the top of the pants. She says it is a Chinese spiritual symbol. It is not spiritual. It is in the crack of her butt and it might mean "beef and broccoli" for all she knows. The last time she did anything spiritual she was moaning "Oh-h-h God!" in a motel."

When a tall hockey player came into the office, Marcia said well, well, well, who's this "long cool drink of water? And here's me dying of thirst".He said that he had a girl friend. She said : "She's there and I am right here honey". Then she said in a soft whisper that he could barely hear , "He looks tired. Here , he can put his head between my thighs". When he left she said "Oh I could hump a tree".

The Boss lady is away for a few weeks and I have been named office manager I do not get paid for my duties as "office manager", for that is it's own reward. )

I work with people who punctuate the conversation with " coo-ell" (spoken in 2 syllables), and who would answer a give question with 'No prob". They seem untroubled by the missing .."lem".. The same rules of diction apply to "terrif.." (ic). If there's one thing I hate it is a brazen disregard for spelling conventions.

Maria was busy at the computer. Probably doing online shopping .

On the screen I saw a bizzare ad: "Affordable Testing Services - Economical Paternity Testing; I'm happy to note that it's finally been made economical to get paternity testing. For those of you who need this service often, you know how those paternity test costs can add up - especially if the baby is yours; Unfortunately it's "By Appointment Only" so we're still on the lookout for a paternity testing place that's open 24x7 - perhaps with a drive-thru.

The office antics take me away from the inexplicable ugliness in the news.

Maria wants to have another baby with someone. When you are sending out invitations for THAT wedding, you realistically cant expect anyone to show up, including the groom.. Engagement used to be a year long period of time for the man and woman to better get to know each other before the wedding. Now it includes arrests, a stint in a drug rehab, and a summer hitchiking across the country following a rock band.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~misc

''It's a very tumultuous sexual arena, and it sounds exhausting.'' one in which women, far from needing to be seduced, are often aggressors, on the road to frantic, competitive sexuality --. -

I advised Maria to wait before jumping into bed the first night and stop making the excuse "it just happened". I told her to have it be preceded by some forethought and thoughtful conversation. ( Does moaning "oh my God" count towards that " meaningful conversation"? Um, I didn't think so...)

The last time we all went to Maria's house, Maria said "A pack of cigs and a pregnancy scare and this could be high school". I thought "it's just going to be the four of us for the next 5 or 6 hours... I'll just grab a bottle, hunker down and pray for daylight."

Maria is Spiritual: Maria read tarot cards to a client, at her desk.

She was limping and a client said "that doesn't look good". She grabbed own ass and said "THIS doesn't look good? Honey,that's crazy talk!!""

Tatoo of Chinese symbol on the crack of her butt , says it is from I Ching, but it probably means beef and brocolli . The last spiritual thing she did was scream "Jesus Christ: when she broke a nail. or praying she was not pregnant.

She like to travel: There was the time when she was On her knees in Belize...on her back in the aderondacks...and there was that little trip to Nantucket.

She said:" an empty lap is the devil's playground."

She looked as trashy as a day shift stripper.

Outdoors or indoors, rain or shine, she wears too-tight and too-low cut jeans with her entire stomach showing. She asked her second date: "Dude, you're not planning on getting laid on this planet are you?" when he asked her if she wanted to stay in and cook dinner. She calls him "45" becaause he is 45 years old. Maria was in the office yesterday and she said that "Mr. 45" had called and left a message asking her which movie she wanted to see. She said she was so drunk on the last date that she couldn't even remember what they talked about. Was it "a movie on Good Friday?" or was it "we should see a movie one Friday" or was it "a good movie on Friday" She told me that last month she really wanted him , but now that she sees how boring he is, she is "over it". She said : "What's up with this once-a-week sh-t ?? What's up with the movie sh-t?? And COOKING??? That's fine for people like you, Bethie, but I need a man that is all over me, not just once a week for a f----ng movie! I want a man that's 'up my ass' all the time " To which Marilyn said : "Hello-O-O?? Day old news?" (and pretends to put her phone to her ear) "This puttana ov-ah here wants a man up her ass all the time"

Maria, at a party was casing the medicine cabinet and knocked over a bottle of perscription drugs into the toilet bowl.

Martini, honey, and don't waste any space with those olives!

Some things in life "just happen" and are wonderful unplanned surprises that bring us to a place we never would have dared to choose for ourselves. Usually it is only retrospectively that you see that a certain moment , a conversation , an unrelated event... Was a turning point in your life. That was what happened when I volunteered to work on Labor Day weekend 2006. That was what happened when I answered that phone call.

... At some point you know it is your choice and that you wouldn't want it to end.

... Science majors like me are detail oriented and don't live passively based on things that happen by accident. But some of the best medical discoveries have happened by accident: a high blood presure med that helped erectile dysfunction ... mold that led to penecillin, poisionous tree bark that led to a cure for malaria ....

If there is any hesitation , it is not a matter of lack of desire. It has to do with fear; what if you're wrong? What if it will never mean as much to him as it did to you??

... "He who hesitates is lost". We can't pretend we hadn't been told that. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard poets urging us to seize the day. We have to take a chance. We have to not be afraid to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's risk under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant about not procrastinating. Knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Maria asked me if I am "getting any". (her term) . How do I answer that one?

No one at the office knows any real details about my love-life. They would not understand . They don't know that Jay was the first person in years I had gotten close to, invited into my house, into my life.

They assume I don't see anyone. They think of it as only a casual friendship that I have with him.

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