Reach for the Stars

Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003-2:18 am

"The endings always come at last. Endings always come too fast. They come too fast and they pass too slow. I love you and that's all I know." .........Art Garfunkel

It is always hard to get over a break up. Now that I am older and more mature, I have a better perspective on it. If I can't have quality, I would rather be by myself. Our possessive society programs us to cling and grasp to expectations that our loved ones behave and respond to us in a certain way. We clutch at these "rules" , with the bonds of fear of loss. It never really made any of us happy to force things , did it?

Good relationships start out with a base friendship and are casual and full of acceptance of who and what that person is. The earliest parts of a relationship , the flirtatious, idealized, fun parts, are not "false", but are truthful and valid. It is in the early stages that you see the best things and the perfect side of someone. As you get to know someone, you find even more great things about each other, and also you will find out about someone's faults.

I won't settle for less than the possibility of a relationship full of acceptance. I want to believe that you may always keep someone on a pedestal, even though you had come to observe the faults they have.

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I always wanted to have a romance that grew out of a friendship with a man who has his own life , is not a jealous maniac, and repects my needs for space and privacy. .

I stopped believing that there were men out there with qualities that I wanted. I was not going to settle for mediocrity. My desire to avoid all the trouble relationships can bring has made me quite content to be "partner-less" for a long time. This has never been outweighed by any need for male company.

My ex husband felt ripped off when the unpleasant reality stage arrived and I got less sexual. He never could reconcile that and his usual reaction was often resentment and anger at me.

He SO mis-read me, and miscalculated my needs, that if it were a stage performance,it would seem to be two totally different "scripts" each was reading. Yes, Shakespeare was correct, we do all have our exits and entrances. I never seemed to know when or what mine were. Even when I KNEW it was not going to work out, I stayed too long...unable to face the break up.

When a relationship ends, the worst part of it, is not the bruised ego, or the feeling of disapointment, but it is the clear knowlege that I could not trust my own eyes and ears. Things are not always what they seem.

It is like looking up into the night sky, and looking at a constellation, now extinguished. Though it does not exist, I am still seeing the light that is just now reaching my vision. I am convinced the stellar bodies are still up there, because I see them, yet they are really ancient history. When I was as a child, I thought that if I got up high enough I could reach up and touch them. I beleived that if I wanted something badly enough, my wish could come true.

Now I know better, yet I know it is worth it to take a chance, and that there is always hope .

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