I was one of the "beautiful people"

Sunday, Jun. 22, 2003-4:38 pm
This past Friday night was thought provoking. The kids were at their father's for the night. I was unscheduled, unstructured and free to .....DO WHAT?? ???

My options for companionship were severely limited , but I sort of like it that way.

I have many offers , but I have always discarded the man's phone number soon after he handed it to me.

One man had introduced himself to me last weekend. He was having a cocktail at noon, at an open outside table . I walked past the place on the way to the bank while at work at the real estate office.

He was not a slave to fashion, He was reasonably attractive, if you could get past the fat belly. He had a harsh bronze tan.

He had a tie with a reapeated bird motif on it. He was no outdoorsman. He did not look like he had the energy to be flushing out a covey of quail from behing some brush. Upon looking more closely at the tie, any similarities between him and a sporty guy ended there. Sadly it was not a game bird at all, but it was Donald Duck...His huge boat-sized "policeman's shoes" did not imply that he spent much time in the great outdoors. I took the card, said something polite, but ditched it just like I always do..

Can you see what I mean about liking my own company better?....

I had no plan about how I was going to spend an evening alone. I resisted the urge to throw myself into activity, and decided to stay home and relax and be rested for tomorrows at my family's real estate office.

It was a glorious evening in a subtle way. I fell short of any aspirations to finish all laundry and clean closets and complete all sewing projects. I tackled some rather persistent weeds in the garden, transplanted some flowers, did my nails, (and actually had time to let them dry without a child asking for a drink or a hug). I spent some time on the Internet, and then it was off to the couch for some real quality time watching a re-runs and eating ice cream directly from the carton. If all this were not enough, I even exercised a little bit after getting up to put the spoon in the sink.. Whew!

Ahhh.....the sweet life.

There was a time in my past life when any frantic chaotic activity was more appealing to me than staying home alone.

I recall the old days, in the mid 90's in California. I nevr had a chance to be alone by myself for more than 15 minutes.

Nearly every day, I would teach several high-impact fitness classes , do my administrative work, teach personal training sessions and after an 8- 10 hour day, go home. Some nights I would take a shower ,eat a Power bar and finish applying make up as I drove in the car on my way to pick up my crazy girlfriend and head out. I always drove because she drank too much .

On one such night, we had had several glasses of wine, and we had socialized for hours at the new place in town. We were about to call it a night. The place was closing. After we had exited the place , we each realized that we needed to use the restroom. Badly.

We did not want to wait to drive home or go to a gas station. We decided it would be terribly clever and sophisticated of us to duck behind my parked car, and discreetly pee in the dark empty parking lot.. We each grabbed onto a corner of the bumper and lowered our pants to our ankles and as we "heeded nature's call". .

Our mission was completed, but we were laughing so hard, we couldn't stand up. We didn't realize we were pulling the car too forcefully .Suddenly the car moved, the emergency brake of the stick shift car somehow loosened, and we pulled the car over ourselves, fell on to our backs, naked from the waist down. We were stuck under the car. We laughed so hard and lacked any strength or coordination to roll it back or to move at all.

We inched our way out and emerged with dirt and leaves all over our legs , shrieking with hilarious laughter. The hillarious misadventures did not end there.

We saw a car coming, so we quickly dressed and got in the car and took off. The car followed. Oh My God!! It was a police car. The lights flashed. I stopped. I hoped to God I was not reeking of Chardonnay .

The legal limit in California then was .08. I am 5'4'' and weigh 110 pounds. The absurd size of the $ 10.00 glass of wine that is poured at that place was more like a half pint goblet. It was meant to be oppulent but it was just plain ridiculous..

It was not the 4 oz. of wine, that is listed in the calorie charts , that we delude ourselves into thinking we are drinking.

What hope had I for a legal sobriety?

I attempted to grab a handful of mints and swallow them whole, as I stopped the car. I took a deep breath, opened the window. The officer said step out of the car please. I opened the door to exit the car, and as I did, the heel of my 3 inch shoe caught on the carpet fiber , and stuck there, causing me to lose balance and spill out of the shoe, and trip out of the car onto the street, at the feet of the cop. I noticed to my horror , I had snapped my thong body suit on the OUTSIDE of my pants. My friend was screeching with inappropriate gales of laughter, not helping my cause.

I feebly grabbed the shoe and said " See this shoe? I tripped over the shoe... ("Officer, I have not been drinking " went unsaid, but the thoughts of the words and my pleading look hung in the evening air)

I thought that I would see the inside of the women's jail tonight without question..I was going to be doing hard time.

In desperation, I tried a diversion. I said "officer, will you shine your flashlight into my purse? I can't see a thing, and I know you want to see my license. Was it my break lights? I need to have the breaks checked.". I will never know if this bold ruse would have availed me anything.,

Fate intervened. An siren screamed , a police car whizzed past, an emergency call came over his radio, and he abandoned his interrogation and potential field sobriety test and told us to go on our way. He sped off.

There is a God

So here I am , years later in suburbia, with two children. The 90's are all but a memory now.

Yes, that's right folks, I used to be one of the beautiful people, a real urban sophisticate, I tell you.

It is memories like those, that make me happy to be home alone .

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