My pride and joy

Thursday, Jun. 05, 2003-12:39 am

On the first day of school last fall, I stood in the autumn breeze, and watched my little girl get in line with the other 4 and 5 year olds, and walk into her first classroom. I couldn't hold back my tears of deep emotion as she disappeared inside the old brick building. I didn't want time to move forward this quickly. I wanted to keep them in the toddler years a little longer and suspend them in time. (Just like I do with holding the line and remaining "forever 39"!)

My daughter has her pre-K graduation ceremony in the morning. I don't think I could be more proud of her if she was graduating magna cum laude from Harvard, with pomp and circumstance abound. I am one of the teary eyed moms, overwhelmed with pride and joy. I see my daughter, and I am oblivious to the presence of any other children. I am full of awe about the endless possibilities of a beautiful, brilliant child who has so many years before her. I never imagined the incredible force of maternal devotion.

There have been many times when they were at "Daddy's" overnight, and I have missed them so very much , that I held their blankets against my face all night as I slept.

Would this life of being my kids' mom be enough to make me feel exhuberant and fulfilled in life?

If I never had another romantic relationship, would I feel like I had enough of a personal adult life ?

What if I never had any good reason to shave my legs above the knee? Is the next step to start wearing Birkenstocks and drawstring pants and to stop tinting my grey hairs, and begin to resemble a female version of Albert Einstein, with saggy breasts? Would I be happy, Hmmmmm????

Would the abscence of an intimate relationship for the rest of my life make me more fragile? Or would coping with the ups and downs of being in such a relationship be a drain?

The prospect of "dating" and ending up with a probelmatic relationship is not a option.

In all honesty, being my kids' mom comes first and makes me content. I am reminded of the gifts of my children.

~~~ When my son looks up at me with his huge brown doe-eyes and says "Mommy , I love you".

~~~ When my daughter tells me that she wants to be just like me when she gets big, and that I am the best mommy in the world.

~~~ When one of them reaches up with outstretched arms and says "I want a big hug"

~~~ When I read them a story at night and watch them after they fall asleep, listen to the rhythmic breathing, feel their beating hearts in their little chests, and touch their faces....and kiss them and pull the blankets up around them.

~~~My son says he wants me to get another mommy , exactly the same as this mommy, for him to have. He says he wants one for his sister and one just for him, to listen to only him, and play with only him.

~~~He said that he remembers when he was "in the egg" before he was born, and that it was so boring, and he "had nothing to do but sit there".

~~~~~~My son said "mommy did you really sew this silky part on the back of my blankie when I was a baby?" I said "yes , I did". He said "you know, mommy, I never thanked you".

~~~~~~My daughter said "here is a flower I picked for you. I want you to keep it by your bed tonight while I am at Daddy's and remember that I love you." Aw-w-w......:-)

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