"Till death do they part?"

Saturday, May. 24, 2003-12:17 pm
"Till Death Do They Part".

I have a male friend that I talk to from time to time.

I am intrigued by thoughts of him and his first wife, the true love of his life, who had passed away.

I ask him questions about her,for which he was appreciative. I did not want to be friends with someone, and yet , upon hearing about this excructiating pain of loss, simply avert my eyes and mumble "I'm sorry",and then change the subject,like everyone else does.

Most people prefer conversations about the mundane. I can't tell you how many stories I've endured that have involved nitpicky mothers-in-law, internet startup business plans, or a recent night's airing of a TV show.

I wanted more than that. I wanted to know more, but without inflicting the pain of openeing up an old wound. I wanted to ask because I want to learn about emotional survival and grief. I want to know , not in a voyeuristic way, not in a way that manipulates the emotions, or to "force" another person to think of the thing that emotionally eviscerates and frightens them most..

My heart went out to him when he told me that he had no photographs. I said "at least you always have thoughts of her and words about her".

I realized then that he has no one to talk to about her. Therefore, the most cruel act is NOT to ask. If no one asks about her, it is as if she is forgotten by everyone else. He should be allowed to retain a little bit of her immortality in talking about her life. It is not just telling other people how she died, and see them squirm uncomfortably or gasp and then change the topic, upon hearing about a young newlywed woman who was killed on the street by a drunk driver in a truck.

I can break down and cry whenever I think of this: He used to "talk to her". The last time he did, he stood in front of the home they used to live in together. It was decorated with Christams lights, with a new family living there. That was when he knew then that she was really gone and she was never coming back, and that there are probably no Pearly Gates. It was really over.

Whatever he tells me , is only a token, and can not possibly encompass the reality to which it refers.

I want to listen with the same respect and awe which we hold for a survivor who has lived through tragedy. I want to listen because I do NOT want to not be one of those people who would do anything to avoid strong emotions.

{If the truth be told, I want to learn about dark human suffering, because I am trying to prepare myself with skills to survive the inevitable loss of my father, which scares me , and looms ahead. My uncle, who was his older brother, recently passed away and it has made me think.}

We all hold dreams and memories and things deep in our souls, that define who we are, and yet, are obscurred by every day life and superficial alliances.

People in society have no problem with sexual contact, but ironically have extraordinarily diffculty with intimate verbal communication wit that same person.

I wonder if he had known from the beginning that he would be without her , if he knew that soon he would be watching as she was laid to rest, what would he have done differently? I wonder if he got to say goodby. Did they have a nice morning that day? Did they have an unfinished conversation that haunts him?

Would he have chosen to have fallen in love with her, knowing ahead of time , that it was to suffer a hideous outcome ?

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