Space travel and Mother's Day

Friday, May. 02, 2003-2:32 am
Space travel and Mother's day.

A nonsequiteur?

I loved watching my babies grown in utero via ultra sounds, or late at night, when I could not fall asleep, right beneath my own fingers as I felt the tiny growing body move around in my abdomen. I was already madly in love with each of my babies from the moment of my awareness of his or her existence. I felt that I was the only woman since the dawn of mankind that had done this. I watched the "construction" in progress.

Though there will never be anything quite so exciting and grand as bearing a child, I like to create other things, like artistic images , gardens, or to build a tool shed .

I also like to take things apart or saw down trees in the woods that block my view of the pond. I enjoy installing new electronic equipment and have it work , without calling "the guy" or dad.

I like thinking about the laws of thermodynamics, and the laws of nature and attempting to answer questions from my kids and teaching them new things. That is one of the appeals of being a mother/mentor/teacher .

I think that is not unlike why early airplane designers, as well as astronauts, in the face of all logic to the contrary, aimed skyward . There is a need in humans to learn, to challenge and to gain new experience.

Be it studying space travel , or just teaching a child to look for Mars in the night sky, there is the need to help others to understand.

~~~~(...all that planetary information is interesting. Even the mundane parts, such as space toilets. My 5 year old daughter asked me "How do they go to the potty in outer space?" Well, who hasn't wondered about space toilets?.... Apparently the first astronauts all wore diapers )~~~~

My mother was a teacher, a woman who was full of vast and varied infomation and insisted on perfect grammar and diction.

My Dad was a lawyer , generous with gifts and experiences and vacations and meals at fine resteraunts.

I love my dad the most in the world, besides my kids. He was not the the conventional dad, but he and (and my mom) provided everything I ever needed: a nice home, private schools, a summer house, a car at 16 ,vacations to Florida and Europe, any and all luxuries. We were a family. Better than some, but not perfect. Raising children is not easy, I now know.

During my childhood I was introduced to the concept of a third party, a "threat" to a child's secure family,(according to mom) but a part of my dad's personal life, namely my step mother, J.

I assimilated her as such, despite my mother's resentment. It's still a defensive surprise to me when I learn that someone views me as having come from a dysfunctional family.

I figured out that between Mom and Dad and stepmother, they have many years on the planet. They have , I suppose, all earned the right to comment on anything they like. Whatever advice they have is worth listening to - I don't have to take it, but I can at least listen objectively. I dont want to be like a petulant teen for the rest of my life who resents them . They are not going to stop, so I better change my reaction and my thinking.

"J" puts me back in a role from the past, of trying to measure up to an impossible goal, an authority figure's approval. J has a nature to feel superior to everyone, and to be critical of you, "for your own good".

It's never been my nature to judge my dad's relationship, because you never really know what happens in someone else's life. As far as I am concerned, she is part of my family, but as such, is subject to my secret cynicism.

So now I am a mother. I want to savor every moment.

I fear what all parents fear sometimes: that I am making mistakes, and I am going to be talked about on a couch someday. Yet, I know I do many things right. I need to not think of negative things, and to validate what I am doing right. If one cant be happy what they are doing NOW, they can't take the good along with them and move forward. Life should not be a game of "catch up" and regret.

I want to play with my kids more and ignore the clutter of toys on the floor. I want to be as patient as Mr Rogers when they spill sticky red juice on the floor ..again.

I am not a raging parent and I would cut off my right arm rather than ever hit them. Every time I see abused kids or kids that are disrespected and treated as an annoying inconvenience, my heart breaks as much as witnessing a physical slap.

But before I begin patting myself on the back too firmly as to pull a muscle, I admit that I am sometimes guilty of telling my kids, "not now, I am too busy with..{ these trivial matters }...to play with you". I have been guilty of putting my e-mail, my artwork, phone calls, my computer, or my attempts of having an uncluttered house first.

I want to stop and listen more, put off what I am doing when they need me, and have more flexibility when they need it.

I also want to be firm when needed.

I want to stop letting them watch tv to keep them busy while I ckean. I want to stop giving them "walking lunches" of tofu-protien-soy bars, because I was too tired or disorganized to shop for anything else in advance. )

So, as Mother's Day approaches, I have some goals to achieve and some stars to reach for.(And some shopping to do )

:-)

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